I had a full blown meltdown yesterday. I haven’t felt like that in close to a year and OMG I didn’t miss it. Today I feel much better and now that I’ve had some time to process, this is what lead up to it… Guys, this is hard for me to share (more off this later), but I am committed to being more open, so here goes…
In the last few months I’ve been going deeper in my spiritual and mindset growth. It’s brought up some scary things for me to face. Growth is f&^king messy you guys. Each layer you uncover only sheds light on new vulnerabilities, shadows, and new nuances to issues you thought you’d already cleared. The journey is up and down – the highs are high and incredible affirming that you are headed towards deeper connection and clarity. Sometimes thought takes so much energy to break through your resistance that it can feel like it’s breaking you. It can feel like you can’t penetrate that ceiling and like you just don’t have what it takes. This cycle can repeat as many times as necessary until you learn the lesson you need to learn.
The trigger & the meltdown:
Yesterday I planned to wake up early, do my miracle morning, and power through my tasks and get ahead in my business. Sound great right, and it would have been but I couldn’t sleep and by the time my arm went off I’d only had about 3 ours and needed more. I got up at 9:30 in the worst mood. I tried to see the silver lining, to tell myself that I still have lots of time, but I was already spiralling and I couldn’t see a way out. Everything was let in my mind. It felt like it was all against me and like there was no way I could salvage the day because of my low energy, which only sucked me deeper. I wanted to scream and cry and just went to bed. I pulled the covers over my head and cried.
Chris came in (brave man) and tried to console me. I wasn’t very responsive, just mumbling that I might as well quit, that things weren’t going to happen for me. Maybe I was kidding myself. Blah blah blah. He got me back though. He asked the right questions that got me out of bed. After a little lunch, I tried to start again, but I wasn’t quite there either. So I made some tea, grabbed my book and sat in my cosy bed, and did the Belief exercise from The Calling.
At first, I thought that I shouldn’t be in this state to do the exercise – my answers were a little darker than normal. But it was exactly what I needed to get the message I needed.
Two key things I learnt about my beliefs:
Q: What do you believe about successful people?
A: Successful people are happy and purposeful
I’m sorry, what? That is my belief and I don’t feel I am successful? Girl please? Meltdowns aside, I am super happy living my life, with my partner in crime by my side, and all that we are working toward. Life is actually pretty great and if this is not purposeful, I’m not sure what is.
The second was a realisation that came up after the exercise:
I’ve been trying so hard to create the perfect persona, to show up as if and share what I thought was “ideal,” and then beating myself up because, wait for, it wasn’t matching up to what I saw others doing. I’ve been competing instead of tuning in – It’s all been external. That was the message I needed to be hit over the head with – It s time to tune back in girl! There’s no more hiding, it’s time to get serious about the work. I am authentic, true, magical and a cosmic message to those who need to hear it. This has never been the issue. What has been the issue? Me not showing up like this, but as a projection of what I thought was required.
Well, no more. I’m over it. It’s too fucking hard. I’m not 23, I don’t have a six-pack or a butt for a g-string bikini (lol, never would have happened) and you know what – that’s just fine. That’s more than fine because what I do have is a growing mind, a capable body and hungry spirit and honey, now that I see you, I’m stepping up and never hiding again.
Oh, and did I tell you about the moon in all this?
I’ve been dabbling in Moon Tracking with the guidance from the Healthstyle Emporium the last while and OMG, currently, the moon is in Virgo. The sign governs over all things health, wellness, habits, routines, and organisation, making it the perfect time to clean out both internal and external clutter. Another way to look at these themes collectively could be healing; moving from old to new; collecting wisdom and moving forward with new clarity.
I think I’m getting the clarity – wouldn’t ya say? Lol!
This is the magic of personal growth. You can go through some tumultuous, scary moments as you face your shadow but when you come out of it and you see things oh so clearly, there is no better feeling of deep knowing, euphoria, peace, and joy. It’s not an easy thing to do, but once you start picking at that scab, it’s impossible to stop.
Moving forward with new clarity
So now what right? What’s the big revelation that comes out of this? Well, since I know now that I don’t have to be anything I can show up like me and know and trust that that is enough. If my story helps you great. If it’s not for you and you’re looking for something else, that great too. I’m not here to impress you. If I do inspire you to open your mind or reconsider your priorities and maybe choose to make some healthy changes, well, that would be pretty damn cool.
Just know that you don’t have to struggle through it alone. It is tough, that’s how you know it’s working, but you don’t have to be alone. Reach out and let’s get deep into what’s going on for you and help you break into that next level!
For me, it was the Saturday before leaving for Mauritius on Monday. We had been planning our year of adventure for so long and now it was all happening in two days. I was very excited but also feeling incredibly weak and even a little like a had a cold coming on. I couldn’t understand why. Hubby (this man who somehow gets what’s happening to me before I do) suggests that I’m a little stressed and OMG I was! That was it! I had a project deadline for Sunday, needed to wipe my old phone, digitize all (and there’s a lot) of paper notes for Bloom and my day job, pack, prep some emails for Monday morning and be excited about all of it. It was just way too much and instead of asking for help, I kept it all in, claiming this very long list as mine alone.
As soon as I could see it, I started to feel better. It was as if simply by facing it made the stress dissipate by half.
Hubby offered to take on some of the load and where I had previously said no, I now said YES PLEASE!! Next, I got organized by making a list (naturally), allocating the items that I could give to him and just started for the top. Over the course of the day I realized a few traps and lies I was telling myself about control. Below are the opposite truths and lessons learned…
Who does what doesn’t matter, as long as it’s done:
One of my personal control lies is that only I can do something the right way. I know what I can do and struggle to acknowledge that someone else could do an equal or a better job. Some might say this is pride in your work. You want it to be perfect and therefore you should do it to make sure it’s on the level it should be. I would agree that quality is a must, but isn’t it also incredibly narcissistic to believe that only you can do it to the standard it needs to be?
In this scenario, we make pride out to be a badge of honour. “I take so much pride in my work, that’s why the quality is so high.” The thing we don’t see is that pride also separates us from each other. Believing that only we can do something right, doesn’t serve us by lifting us up, it keeps us away from help, better ideas and even new opportunities. It’s our ego telling us that we are better alone when really, all the collaboration, grace and ease come when we realize we are all in this together.
Support is more powerful than you realize:
Getting back to my long list… Naturally, there were a few items that do require my personal input, meaning that even though I had allocated some items to Hubby, most of it was still on my plate. That said, I still felt so much more capable, centered and supported just knowing that he is was in it with me. He was there to help however he could, even when that simply meant giving me the space I needed to get stuff done. Communicating what’s going on with you can be all you need to find the support and love to share the load of the stress.
Let people in, let them help, even if that only means bringing tea or lending an ear. It can be the most empowering you do for yourself to realize that you’re not in it on your own.
Done is better than perfect:
I’m sure this is not the first time you’ve read this little nugget, but I’ll share it again because it is oh so relevant here. One of my biggest tasks was to get my entire digital life into the cloud. I had been wanting to do this anyway, and now that we were about to embark on this journey it had become important to have my files a download away. There was one major obstacle, however… My files weren’t (aren’t) exactly organized. I had duplicates, hard drives, messy folders and I really saw the Move-To-Cloud as my big opportunity to organize. This would take time though, a lot of time that I simply didn’t have. It became a question of priorities. Was it more important to have the files loaded and accessible or that they’re perfectly labeled?
So, I sucked up my perfectionism, grit my teeth and uploaded my messy folders to Dropbox. I know where all the daily and very important items are and that’s okay for now. One of these days I will get around to collating everything into the perfect file system, but now that it’s done, I haven’t stressed about it once.
In the end, letting go of control is probably one of my hardest lessons and one I will face time and again. Next time overwhelm hits, I hope I’ll remember these lessons a little earlier to relieve the burden and flow through it with a little more grace.
You have help, love, and support all around you, you just need to let it in.
I feel the urge to write, but all I can think about is why I haven’t been writing for the last four months. I was on a roll. It was all going so well. And then a friend gave me some very mild, very nice constructive criticism and I simply stopped. I suddenly had nothing to say. I went quiet.
Why? Well honestly, I hadn’t thought to ask that until very recently. I’ve just finished reading Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art of Not Giving F*ck” and in the middle where he talks about the values that we’re running that don’t serve us I realized the most destructive pattern I’ve been running more most of my life: The desperate need to be popular.
I still need it. I need to be liked, admired, remembered, acknowledged. I go back in my mind tracking the source of this need, and while I can’t find a specific BIG moment there are definitely moments of feeling not quite “it.”
In primary school, I played second fiddle (or so I felt) to my best friend. She was perfect in every way, and I was not quite her. Later we moved and the group of girls at my new school wrote a letter to me. One of them handed it to during break. I was talking to another friend, but she graciously said, “Read it.” I did and started to cry. The whole group of about 10 girls unanimously broke up with me. In the next period (since I couldn’t stop crying) they all recanted the letter and took me back. I knew it wasn’t real, they did too, but it was easier than being a loser, so I accepted their apologies. I still do not know what I did that was so appalling.
I, mostly unsuccessfully, continued to search for my people again during school. I think I must have been quite guarded after these experiences. In high school, I met another group of girls. They actually did accept me (I think) but by this point, the fear of not fitting in or being enough had taken hold and if another shinier group called, I was there.
At one point I actually betrayed a very close friend in a very demeaning way for the simple reason that I could not face being alone again. I had to be in with the group.
These are just some highlights, but the just is that I’ve never felt like I had that magic, that magnetic essence that is “it.” That one elusive quality that makes you irresistible to anyone who meets you: Instant, powerful, enigmatic popularity.
In Manson’s book, he speaks about Values (I know, shocking for a self-help book.) The interesting part is that he speaks less about creating or choosing values that we want and more about how to recognize the values that are not as great. The ones we’re already running and that are already causing havoc in our lives.
As I gobbled up this book and went about my days, I realized how much of my life I live worrying about what other people expect of me. While I know that I cannot control what others think, I still spend a lot of time trying to maintain a particular image in their minds. An image of a girl who is effortless and easy-going and OMG she is also beautiful. So, I apply the same facade every day. I keep up appearances, as they used to say, all in an effort to be effortless. (Oh, the irony.)
As I write this, I suppose there should be a turning point right about now. A moment where I tell you that I’ve turned it all around and this is how you can too. But the truth is that this realization is new and raw, and I have no advice. What I do have is a plan.
My plan is to stay vigilant about my thoughts. To do my best to notice the difference between doing and acting in a way that is for others versus myself. From there, I aim to choose what serves me rather than my ego’s need to be accepted by other egos.
I hope I can because I believe this core, deep hurt has manifested into a value and metric that has kept me up at night, driven some very destructive behaviour and caused me to stray away from who I am.
I am not popular, and I don’t care… or at least I am trying not to.
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