I had a full blown meltdown yesterday. I haven’t felt like that in close to a year and OMG I didn’t miss it. Today I feel much better and now that I’ve had some time to process, this is what lead up to it… Guys, this is hard for me to share (more off this later), but I am committed to being more open, so here goes…
In the last few months I’ve been going deeper in my spiritual and mindset growth. It’s brought up some scary things for me to face. Growth is f&^king messy you guys. Each layer you uncover only sheds light on new vulnerabilities, shadows, and new nuances to issues you thought you’d already cleared. The journey is up and down – the highs are high and incredible affirming that you are headed towards deeper connection and clarity. Sometimes thought takes so much energy to break through your resistance that it can feel like it’s breaking you. It can feel like you can’t penetrate that ceiling and like you just don’t have what it takes. This cycle can repeat as many times as necessary until you learn the lesson you need to learn.
The trigger & the meltdown:
Yesterday I planned to wake up early, do my miracle morning, and power through my tasks and get ahead in my business. Sound great right, and it would have been but I couldn’t sleep and by the time my arm went off I’d only had about 3 ours and needed more. I got up at 9:30 in the worst mood. I tried to see the silver lining, to tell myself that I still have lots of time, but I was already spiralling and I couldn’t see a way out. Everything was let in my mind. It felt like it was all against me and like there was no way I could salvage the day because of my low energy, which only sucked me deeper. I wanted to scream and cry and just went to bed. I pulled the covers over my head and cried.
Chris came in (brave man) and tried to console me. I wasn’t very responsive, just mumbling that I might as well quit, that things weren’t going to happen for me. Maybe I was kidding myself. Blah blah blah. He got me back though. He asked the right questions that got me out of bed. After a little lunch, I tried to start again, but I wasn’t quite there either. So I made some tea, grabbed my book and sat in my cosy bed, and did the Belief exercise from The Calling.
At first, I thought that I shouldn’t be in this state to do the exercise – my answers were a little darker than normal. But it was exactly what I needed to get the message I needed.
Two key things I learnt about my beliefs:
Q: What do you believe about successful people?
A: Successful people are happy and purposeful
I’m sorry, what? That is my belief and I don’t feel I am successful? Girl please? Meltdowns aside, I am super happy living my life, with my partner in crime by my side, and all that we are working toward. Life is actually pretty great and if this is not purposeful, I’m not sure what is.
The second was a realisation that came up after the exercise:
I’ve been trying so hard to create the perfect persona, to show up as if and share what I thought was “ideal,” and then beating myself up because, wait for, it wasn’t matching up to what I saw others doing. I’ve been competing instead of tuning in – It’s all been external. That was the message I needed to be hit over the head with – It s time to tune back in girl! There’s no more hiding, it’s time to get serious about the work. I am authentic, true, magical and a cosmic message to those who need to hear it. This has never been the issue. What has been the issue? Me not showing up like this, but as a projection of what I thought was required.
Well, no more. I’m over it. It’s too fucking hard. I’m not 23, I don’t have a six-pack or a butt for a g-string bikini (lol, never would have happened) and you know what – that’s just fine. That’s more than fine because what I do have is a growing mind, a capable body and hungry spirit and honey, now that I see you, I’m stepping up and never hiding again.
Oh, and did I tell you about the moon in all this?
I’ve been dabbling in Moon Tracking with the guidance from the Healthstyle Emporium the last while and OMG, currently, the moon is in Virgo. The sign governs over all things health, wellness, habits, routines, and organisation, making it the perfect time to clean out both internal and external clutter. Another way to look at these themes collectively could be healing; moving from old to new; collecting wisdom and moving forward with new clarity.
I think I’m getting the clarity – wouldn’t ya say? Lol!
This is the magic of personal growth. You can go through some tumultuous, scary moments as you face your shadow but when you come out of it and you see things oh so clearly, there is no better feeling of deep knowing, euphoria, peace, and joy. It’s not an easy thing to do, but once you start picking at that scab, it’s impossible to stop.
Moving forward with new clarity
So now what right? What’s the big revelation that comes out of this? Well, since I know now that I don’t have to be anything I can show up like me and know and trust that that is enough. If my story helps you great. If it’s not for you and you’re looking for something else, that great too. I’m not here to impress you. If I do inspire you to open your mind or reconsider your priorities and maybe choose to make some healthy changes, well, that would be pretty damn cool.
Just know that you don’t have to struggle through it alone. It is tough, that’s how you know it’s working, but you don’t have to be alone. Reach out and let’s get deep into what’s going on for you and help you break into that next level!